Helpless
by Candlelight Coffee
Summary: Set after "Grave". Buffy, for once in her life, is left helpless after something happens to her, that she can't fight. And for once, Spike isn't there for her to confide in. S/B all the way.
1. Writing letters, Merry Christmas

Title: Helpless  
  
Author: ME!!!! I'M A POOP LOOOSER!!!  
  
Rating: PG-13. Nothing you wouldn't see on the show.  
  
Summary:Set after "Grave". Buffy, for once in her life, is left helpless after something happens to her, that she can't fight. And for once, Spike isn't there for her to confide in. S/B all the way.  
  
Distribution: *Shrug* Let me know where it is going and add my E-mail with it for feed back! I love feed back! (MyLuv4JeffHardy@aol.com)  
  
Disclaimer:*pout* Spike was mine, I just didn't claim him first.  
  
  
****************************  
  
  
Spike took a long drag of his cigarette. He hasn't been to Sunnydale since he got his soul. Sure there were times where he'd miss Buffy, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Anya, and Giles. Hell, he even missed Xander, though he wouldn't admit it. God how he'd missed Dawn. She was the only one whom he kept in touch with. He even remembered his first letter he sent her. Complete with Giles' return address and all.  
  
  
"Hey Nibblet.  
It's Spike, as you probably guessed by the nickname. I'm back in England. I had some private things to sort out which is why I left. I did some pretty bad things... Guess I should dwell on the past huh? I miss you so much, bit. I was hoping you could keep me in touch with our little band of Scooby snacks? I hate to admit I miss the lot. (maybe not the whelp...)  
And I didn't forget your Birthday. Enclosed is some money. Maybe a shopping spree or whatever with big sis. Speaking of Buffy, don't mention this letter to her. Hard endings and all. Better yet, maybe this can be a secret between you and me huh?  
So you're 16 now? Getting a job and drivers Ed yet? I hope to see you soon. Maybe if I'm ever in town I can stop by for a visit.  
--Spike  
  
  
He'd of course enclose the money he'd promised. Fifty dollars He's always had a soft spot for Dawn. He'd also jotted down his new apartment address. He was renting, hoping to leave sometime soon back to Sunnydale. Back to Dawn. Back to Buffy. He'd wait patiently for a letter from Dawn, hoping for guidance if he should go back. If he'd be accepted. Deep down, he already knew the answer. He just refused to admit it.  
  
  
**************************************  
  
  
"Dawn! Get your butt down here! You have a letter from Giles!" Buffy yelled up the stair setting the rest of the mail on the end table.  
  
  
Dawn stampeded down the stairs, fully of energy. Especially for the time of day. It was about 9:00 in the morning. Buffy at her age would have still been sleeping since it was the first day of Christmas break. Buffy knew that this Christmas was going to be hard on her and Dawn. It was their first without their mom.  
  
  
She smiled at the letter. It sure wasn't Giles' hand writing, but Buffy seemed oblivious, so Dawn made no notice of it either. She ripped open the envelope, wishing for it to be another Birthday card. With Money. though she wouldn't be so anxious about it as Anya would be.  
  
  
She read the letter. From Spike. Not Giles. A small smile etched across her face as she read it. She missed Spike.  
  
  
"So?" Buffy said, slicing fruit for breakfast.  
  
  
"So what?" Dawn said slipping the letter in her pocket. She wasn't supposed to show Buffy.  
  
  
"What does it say?" Buffy said impatiently, arranging the fruit on a plate so they looked pretty.  
  
  
"Oh, the usual. "Mind Buffy, do your homework, do your chores, happy birthday... here's some spending money..." Dawn said as she pulled out the money. Fifty dollars? Fifty? Spike had always been generous, but what would Dawn do with fifty dollars? She smiled knowing exactly what to do with it, since she and Buffy were running tight on money.  
  
  
"He also sent some money for you. Ya know, for food and stuff." She handed twenty dollars to Buffy.  
  
  
Buffy smiled. Dawn hadn't cheated her out of the money like she had been cheating other people recently. If fact, she had gave Buffy money instead. Buffy finally felt she had made a difference in Dawn's life.  
  
  
"Dawn? Xander and Anya are coming over for breakfast, mind helping me? I hate cooking." she groaned.  
  
  
*********************************  
  
  
Spike waited until it was dark out to step downstairs to the apartment lobby. He unlocked his mailbox, and fingered through the bills.  
  
  
He walked upstairs, hoping he'd find one from Dawn. He did and smile as he saw the return address.   
  
  
"Spike,  
Jeez, the least you could have said was goodbye to me before you left. You were like my best friend and then, poof. Gone."   
  
  
Spike groaned, feeling the guilt and the conscience that his pesky soul brought along with him.  
  
  
"So you want to know how our band of 'Scooby snacks' as you so affectionately called them are doing? Not so good."  
  
  
Not how he'd hoped that the letter would start.  
  
  
"Warren and his gang eventually got theirs. Courtesy of Willow. They murdered Tara with a stray bullet. God how I miss Tara."  
  
  
Spike was shocked. Tara? Dead? It couldn't be. The guilt thing was happening again. God how did Willow feel about all this? He decided to read on, letting Dawn's letter answer his questions.  
  
  
"Willow got into heavy black magicks. No one could stop her. She even tried to destroy the world. Xander made her some to her senses and brought her back before that could have happened. I guess she is in Magick rehab or something now? She visits Giles often in England. Maybe you might run into her sometime?"  
  
  
He smiled. He'd love to run into Willow. After all she'd know what he was going though with the whole redemption thing.  
  
  
"Anya and Xander I guess have made up. Anya says she had sex with you to push her thoughts of Xander not loving her away. She thought Xander didn't marry her because he didn't love her. Xander understood I guess, because she is not used to the whole in love thing. Granted, they aren't all love-y dove-y as before. At least not yet. They did move back in together last week. They are taking thins a lot slower than before too."  
  
  
He was happy he didn't ruin what Xander and Anya had. That wasn't his intention at all. His intention was to get him mind off of the Slayer. He pushed that thought to the back of his head not wanting to think about it.  
  
  
"And as for me? Buffy decided I can start driver's Ed sometime after Christmas, when she has the money. She's really stressed out with money now. I guess she's not making enough to support us, so she's relying on savings until she finds another plan. I can't tell you if she is upset with you or not though. She doesn't talk about you. At all. Bad memories huh?"  
  
  
He frowned. He'd expect Buffy, to be missing him in the least, and irate at the most. but never did he think of her being neutral.   
  
  
"And my report card? one A, three B's, and 3 C's. My highest GPA yet! I hope to hear from you soon, maybe even see you. Oh, and one last thing? You coat is here, in the front closet. I decided to hide it at the bottom where Buffy wouldn't find it to get any ideas on how to get rid of it. It's waiting for you to come home as I am.  
Love Always,  
--Dawn"  
  
  
He smiled. He'd almost forgotten about the coat. He'd miss it, but he wouldn't risk getting his head chopped off by the Slayer, just to get his coat back. He also didn't want to face her after what he did. And Dawn got an 'A' on her report card. His grin widened.   
  
  
**************************  
  
  
Dawn pounded down the stairs. "Hey Buff."  
  
  
Buffy looked slightly pissed, to say the least. "So, you going to tell me why Giles sent you two Christmas presents?" Buffy directed Dawn's attention to the two boxes in front of her, both unopened. One, obviously in Spike's sloppy print and the other in Giles' neat small, script.  
  
  
Dawn laughed nervously. "Okay, don't be mad. Promise?"  
  
  
Buffy looked at her. "Okay I'll make a deal. If it's not illegal and stealing, I won't be mad."  
  
  
Dawn grinned. Well, it wasn't illegal or stealing right? "Spike's in England and he wanted to know how everyone was doing and since everyone hates him but me, he decided to write to me." She blurted out in one breath.  
  
  
"So, your saying Spike, the 'big bad' is sending my little sister Christmas presents?" Buffy said, looking utterly disgusted.  
  
  
"How should I know, I didn't open any," She shrugged, gesturing toward the box with sloppy writing. "That one is form Spike." She took the box and pulled out a pocketknife, cutting through the tape that held the box shut.  
  
  
She pulled out a letter. Sure enough it was from Spike. She decided to read it aloud, so Buffy would know Spike wasn't trying to do anyone harm.  
  
  
"Nibblet,  
I'm not one for Christmas, so here's a present. I don't want Buffy to be mad, so don't tell her it was from me. It feels real good to hear from someone at home now and then. I've also included an envelope with some money in it to help pay for food and such. Hope you like the present.  
--Spike"  
  
  
Dawn smiled. "See? No harm done." She peered into the box and pulled out the envelope Spike mentioned. "Oh my god Buffy...." Dawn said looking into it. "There's two hundred dollars in here." Dawn said, handing the envelope to Buffy.  
  
  
She looked in the box, pulling out a leather duster, just like Spike's. Only newer, and it had a fresh leather scent. Unlike Spike's, his smelt of tobacco, blood, and alcohol. It was smaller, for Dawn. She smiled and tried it on. "I love it!" She squealed, and ran upstairs to the bathroom to look in the mirror.  
  
  
Buffy hated it, but since her sister liked it, she could live with it. She followed Dawn up the stairs and watched her model her new coat in front of the mirror." So what do you tell him in your letters?" To Dawn's surprise she wasn't mad.  
  
  
"I told him everything about Willow, Tara, everything. Buffy, he's my best friend. You do know that right?" Dawn said slipping the coat off and walking past Buffy to her room, hanging it on a hook at the back of her door.  
  
  
Buffy winced. Spike, her little sisters best friend? "Can I have his address?"  
  
  
Dawn stopped in her tracks. She really didn't want to give it to her. "He didn't even want you to know for fear it would make you mad. I'll only give him your address if you promise not to be mad."  
  
  
Buffy smiled. She was protecting Spike. "I guess I will have to wait until I see him next to do actual pounding. Relax Dawn. I just want to thank him for him sending money. Though I am not happy with him, I can't be mad when he's not even here. You get the most effect when you yell in the person's face." She nodded simply.  
  
  
Dawn laughed. "You're kidding right?"  
  
  
Buffy crossed her arms and shifted her weight. "Of coarse I'm kidding. Can I have his address now?"  
  
  
Dawn sighed and opened her dresser drawer. She ruffled through various articles of clothing until she pulled out her current diary. She opened to her latest entry and a piece of paper slid out onto the floor. She handed it to Buffy. "Remember, you promised." Dawn warned before heading downstairs to see what Giles' had given her.  
  
  
Sure his present was bound to be boring. It probably had more sentimental meaning that Spike's, but Spike's present would be was cooler.  
  
  
She ripped through the packaging tape with her pocketknife, and pulled out a Christmas card. She smiled at the card. There were little elves on the front with pointy ears reading books. Soo... Giles-y?  
  
  
"Dear Buffy and Dawn,  
I hope your having a wonderful Christmas. Dawn, the book enclosed is for you and Buffy, I sent you a necklace. I also sent a check. I hope these make your Christmases brighter, since I can't be with you to share them.  
With Love,  
--Rupert Giles"   
  
  
"Buffy! You got a present too." Dawn pulled out the book that was hers. She smiled. 'Vampires, Demons, and Witches.' It was a research book. Giles knew how she loved trying to help out. She pulled out a Jewelry case, which held the necklace. She handed it to Buffy along with the card and the check. "From Giles."  
  
  
She was shocked at how much the check was worth. She opened the box and inside was a plain silver chain Very thin and perfectly flawless. There was a charm on it. She could tell by looking at it that it was a locket. on the back, it was engraved if old fashioned script writing, 'Chosen' and on the front, it was engraved with a cross. She opened it and there was a picture of Joyce on one side, and a picture of Dawn on the other. Both very recent pictures of the two.   
  
  
She slid the necklace around her neck and decided it was time she sent out her Christmas cards. And Spike would get one.  
  
  
*******************************  
  
  
As routine, Spike went down to his mailbox. He sifted through the junk mail before reaching a card. He looked at the return address, expecting Dawn's name there. Instead there was a little sticker that read "Buffy Summers."  
  
  
He tore open the letter, not knowing what to expect. It was from Buffy.  
  
  
"Spike,  
You didn't think I'd find out about your letters to Dawn? She got two Christmas presents from Giles. Dawn had to let your little secret out. She loves the coat by the way.   
I am not happy with what you did before you left, but part of me feels that I drove you to do what you did. I guess I can't really be mad anyway if your not here to be mad at.  
Thank you for the money too. I guess Dawn told you about our money problems?  
She also was forced to tell me where she hid your coat. I didn't destroy it like she thought I would. I don't know what else a vampire would want, he can just take anything he needs right? I sent the coat, it should be there about a week after you get this card. You feel naked without it? Merry Christmas.  
Love Always,  
Buffy and Dawn Summers."  
  
  
He knew that Dawn insisted they write 'love always.' He beamed. Buffy wasn't as irate as he thought, and he'd be getting his coat back.  
  
  
TBC  
  
A/N... Yeah, next chapter... or maybe chapter three will have the actual plot... *shrug* depends on when I get over Spike/Buffy fluffies. and DAMN IT! I can't get the itialisized words to work on this damn thing! Does ff.net even allot that any more? *shrug more* Help! 


	2. Fixing Mistakes

Title: Helpless  
  
Author: ME!!!! I'M A POOP LOOOSER!!!  
  
Rating: PG-13. Nothing you wouldn't see on the show.  
  
Summary:Set after "Grave". Buffy, for once in her life, is left helpless after something happens to her, that she can't fight. And for once, Spike isn't there for her to confide in. S/B all the way.  
  
Distribution: *Shrug* Let me know where it is going and add my E-mail with it for feed back! I love feed back! (MyLuv4JeffHardy@aol.com)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nothing. Not even the box I live in.  
  
  
*************************************  
  
  
Buffy dropped her hair. She had been holding it back ever since she first felt sick, then vomited up that night's dinner in the upstairs bathroom. She didn't understand why she had all of a sudden been ill. She thought she might have been pregnant, but that was impossible. Spike was the last person she had had sex with, and he wasn't able to have children. She shrugged off her concerns, heading back downstairs to pick up the wet laundry she had been about to load in the dryer. She had dropped it when she felt the sudden nausea coming on.  
  
  
Last week the same thing had happened. Dawn saw her and told her to go to the doctor. Yeah right. As if she needed more hospital bills to contend with after her mom's death.  
  
  
She loaded the clothes in the dryer and set it going. Dawn smiled at her, wearing her moon and stars pajamas, "I told you to go to the doctors last week..." Dawn gave her sister that I'm-only-looking-out-for-you look.  
  
  
Buffy winced, "You're supposed to be sleeping."  
  
  
"Yeah, like I could sleep with all the hacking up going on," Dawn muttered. Her face brightened up. "I'll tell Spike you're sick and you refuse to go to the doctors if you don't go yourself. He'll come all the way over here from England and *make* you go."  
  
  
Buffy definitely didn't want that. No more Spike. "You win. I'll call and get an appointment tomorrow and we can go together," she motioned for Dawn to go back to her room, "Bed. Now."  
  
She sighed. At least she can go and prove to Dawn that nothing was wrong with just one hospital bill. That wasn't going to ruin the small savings she had left, right?  
  
  
***************************************  
  
  
"The soonest appointment time is in one week."   
  
  
"I understand. Book me for that okay?"  
  
  
"Yes, Ms. Summers."  
  
  
"Thank you," she hung up the phone. Dawn was watching her every move making sure she had scheduled an appointment. "See? Appointment made. Stop staring at me now."  
  
  
Dawn smiled. Sure, she would tell Spike anyway. He deserved to know about this repeated incident, just as all the other Scoobys did. She would just ask him not to come until the results of the checkup were in.  
  
  
She walked upstairs and got out Spike's address, a pen, and paper.  
  
  
Spike,   
Buffy didn't want me to tell you. She's sick. She's been puking a lot lately and her Slayer healing powers don't seem to be working as quickly as they used too. I promised her I wouldn't tell, but I thought you deserved to know. You can't come back, at least not until she has a doctor look at her. Then, if something is really bad, I'll let you know. I can probably call you from the Magic Box. Giles and Anya will think that it's just one of their calls to each other, instead of you and me. I don't mean to worry you. She mumbled something about being pregnant, but she was last with you so I guess that's out of the question. I'll call you as soon as she gets the results back in.  
Love always,  
--Dawn  
  
  
**********************************************  
  
  
Spike read this and let it all sink in. She couldn't be sick. They had just gotten her back! She couldn't be pregnant; it was just physically impossible. So what was wrong with Buffy?  
  
  
*********************************  
  
  
Buffy waited for the doctor to come back. They had done the usual checkup, pee in a cup and all.  
  
  
"Ms Summers, the results are coming in, saying something in your body isn't quite right. We will have to do some more tests to find out what's wrong," the doctor said handing Buffy a packet of papers, "Please fill these out, and then you may go home. It'll take about two weeks for us to finish testing for what could be wrong. We have to send your samples away for the testing. We'll call you as soon as the results are in."  
  
  
So Dawn was right. Something was wrong. Only Dawn had noticed her loss of appetite and her loss of weight. She had known something wasn't right. Buffy kept having hot flashes, sudden fevers, she always looked pale, and she had sudden nausea as well.  
  
  
Dawn peeked her head into Buffy's room, "They said I could come in with you now," she sat down on a stool in the corner, "So what'd they say?"  
  
  
"Something is wrong Dawnie. They just aren't sure what it is yet."  
  
  
Dawn suddenly realized she hated being called "Dawnie." Whenever they called her that, either something was wrong, or someone felt pity for her. Her body stiffened.  
  
  
Buffy filled out the papers as she was told, then left.  
  
  
***************************  
  
  
Dawn had left Willow a note before she left with Buffy. Ever since Tara's death, she had been moping around, depressed. Like most mornings, she had slept in, again. She was glad that they were on a break for Christmas at the University. Her mom would have been really mad if she had missed another class.  
  
  
"Hey Wills." Buffy said, returning from the doctors.  
  
  
Willow put on her best fake smile. "So how did everything go?"  
  
  
Buffy hesitated, slightly, though not enough for Willow to notice. "They aren't sure yet. They have to send my pee to some lab."  
  
  
Dawn nodded. "I'd hate to work there ya know? People ask 'Hey, what do you do for a living?' and you say, 'Well, I play with people's pee. My lab coat gets really stained.'"  
  
  
Buffy made a face. "As opposed to working at the double meat?"  
  
  
Dawn thought for a moment."Point taken."  
  
  
Willow, didn't laugh at Dawn's remarks. She didn't even acknowledge them. She was always sad, or she had a pasted on smile, that didn't even look real. She never laughed or geniually have a good time any more.  
  
  
"Hey, are you already packed for tomorrow?" Buffy asked.  
  
  
Willow was to have her Second Magic rehab class tomorrow. She would stay one week, at Giles' new house.  
  
  
"Yeah. Just waiting for it to come and go..." Willow mumbled.  
  
  
"It? What is the 'it' that's coming and going?" Dawn said, looking bewildered.  
  
  
"Tomorrow." Willow sighed.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
"Anya! You did it again," Xander yelled.  
  
  
"Did what?"  
  
  
"Put the plastic bowls in the bottom of the dishwasher. Look they are all melted and deformed," Xander said, pulling out one of the bowls.  
  
  
"I'll try to remember next time; it was an honest mistake Xander," Anya said, blowing off the subject.  
  
  
"An honest mistake? Like sleeping with Spike?" Xander shot at her.  
  
  
"I was in pain. Consider that my revenge for you standing me up!" She said throwing her hands up in frustration. Whenever she made a mistake, that topic always seemed to come up.   
  
  
"Revenge? Don't you mean vengeance?" Xander really wasn't mad at her sleeping with another man. If he was in her situation, he would have slept with another woman. But this was different. This was Spike. She just had to sleep with a vampire, which he hated. He couldn't let that go. At least not so soon.  
  
  
"Justice. I'm a justice demon." Anya corrected him. "Look, I apologized for having sex with him, and I even tried to make it up to you but nothing works! I don't understand why you bring it up, if nothing I can do makes it better!"  
  
  
Xander's face somewhat softened. Sometimes he forgot that Anya wasn't really into the swing of things. She really was trying her best. "I get it you don't understand hon, I really do. But that doesn't mean that I can pretend what you did, didn't happen."  
  
  
She frowned. "But I can forgive you embarrassing me on the day we were supposed to be married?" She grabbed the bowl, which he set down on the counter. You could clearly tell it was melted. It had drips of the hot plastic that had dried running down the side of the bowl. On the edge, the blue bowl was swirled with a little pink, which had been from the other melted dish that was set next to it. "Besides, you can still eat out of it if you really wanted too," She stated quietly.  
  
  
Xander shifted his weight. She was right. He had embarrassed her, in front of his family, and the closest thing she had to one. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "You're supposed to be the one thing only I can enjoy. Me only. I don't want to share you, because that's one moment I don't get to have with you. Spike already took Buffy away. I didn't want him to have you too."  
  
  
Anya smiled. He enjoyed her. "Well, I don't blame Buffy for having sex with him."  
  
  
Xander looked at her horrified. "So you not only had sex with another man, you're implying that he was good?"  
  
  
Anya's smile faded. "No. Not at all. I was going to say that sex calms your nerves." She patted him on the back. "Maybe I should go and let you cool down a bit."  
  
  
"Was he good?" Xander asked sarcastically.  
  
  
Anya's eyes widened. "I can't believe you asked me that. If you wouldn't have left me, I would have been having sex with you in the first place on our honeymoon!" She realized she was still holding the melted bowl. She threw it at him before using her vengeance powers, to teleport out of their apartment.   
  
  
***********************************************  
  
  
"I know you felt it... When I was  
Inside you..."  
  
  
"Don't..." She pleaded.  
  
  
She managed to push him off. She was heading for the door trying to get away. He caught her leg, scrambling back on top of her and pinning her wrists down. "You're going to let me inside you..."  
  
  
"Please..."  
  
  
"You'll feel it again, Buffy..."  
  
  
"Spike, stop..."  
  
  
He tore to her robe, finally getting it open.  
  
  
Spike awoke; remembering the weight of his actions, and having it crush him. It happened today. He happened yesterday. He began to wonder when it would stop hurting, even if it did.  
  
  
What gave him the right to tell her what she felt? He felt sick. What if he would have gone through with doing that to her? It was far worse than just killing her. Killing her would have ended any pain she had. She would have been back in heaven, where she belonged.  
  
  
But raping her? She would have had to live with the unwanted memories and pain. Looking over her shoulder, wondering when he would return for more pleasures he could squeeze out of her.  
  
  
The on top of all that, he expected her to love him. He couldn't just go back and face it all again. Not her. And this, to the woman he loved. Imagine the people he hurt that he didn't care about or the people who were his enemies. He would probably kill them sure, but then their families would have had to live the rest of their life, in fear of someone doing the same to them.  
  
  
He couldn't forgive himself. Sure he had blamed the whole thing on Drusilla a couple of times, after all she was the one who made her who he was. But she didn't physically make him do anything to lose people he' killed and she didn't make him rape Buffy.  
  
  
Spike just couldn't forgive himself. He had felt guilt right after the realized that he'd crossed the line. But with a soul, that made the guilt ten fold. He was at a loss. He didn't want to look at Buffy again. She was a painful reminder of what he had been. Yet he was in love with her and he couldn't just walk away from someone that made him feel so alive.  
  
  
He would never forgive himself.  
  
  
A/N: Thanks to my beta reader, AMy. She's the best. 


End file.
